Want new threads but can't afford them in these straitened times? Got some old clothes that you want to see go to a good home? Worried about the environmental obscenity of our throw-away fashion culture? Then The Big Shwop is for you.

The concept of "swishing", clothes-swapping parties for eco-conscious fashionistas, has been around for a while. Our lovely lovely lovely friends at Pretty Pretty Pretty also had a "dud-swap" for cosmetic products at their big party. But The Big Shwop takes it to a more public level, with their first Shwop happening at the Southern Cross on Saturday August the 2nd. For more details on how it works, see their web site.

It's one thing to look for food in the government quarter, but what a politico barfly wants to know is "Where can I get a decent Champagne within crawling distance of Parliament?". As DPF and Cactus Kate found out (standard Kiwiblog warning: comments contain copious amounts of poo), there is nothing worthwhile at the Back Bencher (Kate evidently shares my lack of excitement for Mumm).

Apart from Maria Pia's and Le Canard (which presumably have fine selections, but don't count as bars), there really is not much proper bubbly around in Thorndon. Following the Wellingtonista tradition of preferring useful information to vindictive invective, after the jump I have provided a list, in approximate order of distance from the Back Bencher, of Champagne selections at nearby bars and pubs.

Check out the Party of the Universe the Mighty is putting on for Wellington NEXT WEEK!!!!!

(click image to see larger version of the poster)

For those of you who don't know CW Stoneking - you should. He's never played NZ before and he's something. Check him out on myspace.

And for the other nights, the finest in NZ bands from around the country covering a pretty diverse range of genres. There's the Americana night kicking things off, extreme neon for the Heavy Petting electro night, followed by a total mash up of rockabilly and electronics from Bang Bang Eche, and then a Wild Trash extravaganza of Wellington's own to top things off.

There'll be pole dancers, limbo competitions, a vodka slide and so much more. Chose your night. Bring your friends and come and party at the Castle that Cares!

Sometimes, a bar is too pretentious even for me. Though by "pretentious", I don't mean what some people seem to mean by that: expensive, stylish, ambitious or glamorous. No, it's bars that make a great show of aspiring to all those qualities, and yet end up being the same-old same-old Courtenay Place tack, that really set my mandibles on edge.

This may be the first time I've been able to post one of these, I'm very excited.

This is a place that you could describe as "mutton dressed as lamb" if it wasn't painfully clear that the mutton only has a vague idea what lamb should look like.

Table service wasn't the best. Nobody seemed sure of what to do when I ordered a, very tasty, Epic Pale Ale. As my friend said, "they just seem to be huddled around and are occasionally pointing at you".

Anyway this is an "old favourite" warmed up. can you tell us where it is from the horrible blurry cellphone picture I took?

In my younger, larval days, I was known to frequent certain bars where a band who dared to play a displeasing song could expect to find a bottle flying their way.

But I wasn't expecting to experience a retro blast-from-the-past of glass-throwing in the plush environs of Mighty Mighty.

But there I was, working my way through MM's splendid new cocktail menu and enjoying the sci-fi electronica of Kazaam Blam, when suddenly an otherwise respectable looking young lady sitting nearby picked up a cocktail glass and hurled it at the space-suited Kazaam Blam frontman, breaking the visor of his costume.

A ripple of shock and furrowed brows spread across the dance floor. Who did this? And why? Was it an expression of rage against the synth? Was it a manifestation of extreme artistic differences? Or was it a clever stunt, carefully timed to happen in the last song?

The perpetrator was tracked down and the story came out - apparently she threw the glass because she thought the audience, not the band, was being boring.

Ah, in that case, the next time I visit Mighty Mighty, I will wear my bondage trousers and bring along a portrait of the Queen at which I shall flick the fingers. Oi.

We're not cock(tail)teases, really. We do want to let you in on all the secrets, but first of all we want to give you the chance to prove that you're hipper and groovier than everyone else by identifying the bar in question.

In the end, it wasn't long before one of the many anons picked the last mystery bar as Duke Carvell's Swan Lane Emporium, run by the Bresolin boys and delectable in every way. But who's going to be the first to identify this place?

My favourite drink is a Zombie. For those who don't know, or were too lazy to click the link, a Zombie is a very very strong cocktail devised by that genius Don the Beachcomber. No one knows the original recipe but there is a very good variation available in which 151-proof rum in floated on the top and then burned both for effect and taste.

My absolute favourite bar in Wellington made me one and it was fantastic. So when I returned to the bar (that shall remain nameless, for its own protection) and ordered a Zombie I was dismayed that it tasted good, but not fantastic. So I summoned the barkeep:

"Good sir, this drink, while incredibly intoxicating and delicious is missing something"
"Did your server ignite the rum at your table sir?"
"No he did not. May I please have another with flames?"
"Certainly sir, and may I say what a wise and handsome gentleman you are"

At least that's how I remember it. Anyway the chastised bartender returned with a new drink, a bottle and a lighter. He placed the drink down, floated a generous measure of 151 rum on top and then turned to me with the lighter in hand and said something that really did shock me:

"according to a council by-law I am not allowed to set your drink on fire."

That's right folks. Due to, we imagine, idiots ordering flaming sambucas at Jet and then drinking before extinguishing the flames, we all have to suffer. Where was our referendum?!?

We pass this knowledge on to you, the drinking public, so you won't have to go through the same shame of a flameless Zombie. Read on though for the happy ending:

Motel is apparently the 62nd best bar in the world. Which is nice, though we would've gone there anyway no matter what the rank.

Auckland's Crow Bar was 63rd. And they are the only two New Zealand bars on the list (no luck for the Loaded Hog again!).

I assume the list is this one (although it has Crow Bar at 65), so I'm not sure what kind of authenticity it has. Oh and the number one bar in the world? Baristi in Dubai.

UPDATE: it was definitely the list from that website because TVNZ used that same picture of Baristi in their video.

The Dog and Bone pub on Lambton Quay (at best a lackluster fake English Pub, at worst a price-gouging sub-standard eatery) has now gone the way of the Dodo.

Brown paper obscures the windows and this sign has been posted (and photographed with my astoundingly poor quality phone-camera):

For those that can't see it, it says that the "staff at the Dog and Bone would like to thank..." blah blah blah. It continues: "as of May 12 the Dog and Bone has been sold, and is closed."

The message ends with a cryptic reference to the return of a "Wellington Icon". Earthquakes? Bad Weather? Fat Freddy's Drop?

Hmmmm, rampant speculation in the comments I suppose.

Yes, I know it's an old concept, but I couldn't resist. Also, this isn't so much a bar as a café, though it does sell wine. And it feels more like being in a friend's living room, if you had a friend with lots of sexy mid-Twentieth-Century furniture and nice views.

Rather a nice place to sit in the sunshine (presuming you can do so without freezing your antennae off) at the weekend and watch the world go by. But where is it?

About half the Wellingtonista now call Newtown home, so we thought it was about time we did some exploring of the area. Therefore, on this coming Saturday, we're going to be doing a Newtownista Pub Crawl, and you should come with us!

We're going to start on Riddiford St down near the zoo around 7.30pm, and work our way back towards town, aiming to end up at Amigo's for tapas. Most of us haven't been to most of the bars, so we'll be intending to give them all a go-to, even the dodgy ones - but we may change our minds on the night when we look in their doors.

To come along, either show up in that area at that time, get in contact with a cellphone number so we can text you our progress, or follow my twitter account as hopefully I'll remember to update it as we go along. We're going to boldly go where some people have gone before, and it should be a jolly good time.

Gorgeous photo by Dead Possum, yanked from flickr

Mighty Mighty Bar has released their Facebook "what's on" earlier than previous ones - on 'em!

This may be the final chance you get to catch Delaney Davidson and his Ghost Orchestra before he goes back Europe way! IT IS A MUST SEE SHOW !

Also here is this weeks gigaroos! see you here, or you are square ;)

Captain Richardo and the Mighty Musketeers

WED 9th - 8:30pm ROSIE TIN TEA CADDIE + ACHILES BOTES. Sweet folk.Lapping in the sea of tranquilitea come s these nicey nice hand holding acts.

THUR 10th - 9pm - The WRONGDOINGS,DELANEYDAVIDSON and his 8piece GHOST ORCHESTRA(last NZ gig),SLIM CHANTS,Say goodbye to the drummer about town,Jelly and the last time in a year to hear his numerous and great bands.Dirty country.

FRI 11th - 10pm THE SHADES E.P Release + THE AVIATORS. AK`s finest soul outfit. Hip hop beats funk and soul,a smokey session indeed!

SAT 12th - HI ACES ALBUM RELEASE ,with The BLACKBELLES finally a recording from these local country favourites.Fill your jugs and raise `em high!

...there's a bar in Cuba Mall. Okay, so that doesn't swing quite as well as the original, but those with a longing for outrageous costumes and hard drinking, but who can't stomach the Sevens, ought to know that it's Tiki Bar weekend at Matterhorn.

That's right: you have one more night to savour concoctions based on classics by Trader Vic and Beachbum Berry; bar staff dressed as Hawaiian deities; bubbling cauldrons of lethally refreshing punch; and some of the cheesiest slices of lounge exotica ever committed to vinyl.

Now, don't get me wrong: we Wellingtonistas are not usually parsimonious when it comes to paying for drinks. On the other hand, we're a canny and logical bunch, and it only takes about 10 free glasses of house wine to save up enough for a Mega Mai Tai, so in the long run it pays to seek out gratis grog.

Let's start with the obvious: gallery openings and launches. You can get lucky by simply cruising the streets on a midweek night seeking the tell-tale sounds of clinking glasses and poststructuralist discourse, but dedicated cheapskates know that the best way to guarantee results is to get on the mailing lists.