In the cor­ner office of our won­der­ful Ivory Tow­er (lit­er­al­ly now, thanks Noizy for shelling out for that rebuild) we look down upon the seething pop­u­lace of Welling­ton that we love so dear and think to our­selves: if only  they were as per­fect as we are. At which point it’s time for our 11am mas­sage and man­i­cure.

This time gave us the chance to con­struct a short list of estab­lish­ments around Welling­ton that could be bet­ter if only they changed some things.

The Port Cafe

What they have going for them: Fan­tas­tic day­time sun, great city views, real­ly good fish & chips, and a BYO license.
What they need to change: The decor! Plain white walls and con­crete floors alone do not add up to styl­ish min­i­mal­ism: that requires ele­gant pro­por­tions and exquis­ite detail­ing, where­as this place just looks cheap and unfin­ished. The chairs were sal­vaged from the bar­gain bin at Ware­house Sta­tionery, and the only attempts at actu­al design (mod­el ships and some blue down­lights) make it look tawdry and twee. Either get in a prop­er inte­ri­or design­er or drop the prices and be a plain old chip­pie.

The Green Room

What they have going for them: A nice lit­tle bar on the water­front. In sum­mer it gets a fair share of the after­noon sun.
What they need to change: The music. Pos­si­bly the worst music in all of Welling­ton’s bars, and that’s quite an achieve­ment. A mix of Beach Boys, Eric Clap­ton and the Eagles gives this bar an exquis­ite tack­i­ness it does­n’t need nor real­ly deserve. They could also afford to knock down the prices on some of their drinks.

The Establishment

What they have going for them: Great loca­tion, heaps of space and dif­fer­ent areas for dif­fer­ent moods, lots of sun until late, espe­cial­ly on their bal­cony, tasty fries, $3 pints, sim­ple but nice decor.
What they need to change: their ambi­tion to be a stu­dent bar. Drop the theme nights, raise the price of the pints, and get rid of the ’80s stan­dard music. Oh, and reserve us a table on the bal­cony for all of sum­mer.

The Fisherman’s Table — O Bay and Paekakariki

What they have going for them: Loca­tion, loca­tion, loca­tion. Nice place to drink Pimms or G&T in the sun.
What they need to change: Late ’80s/early ’90s menu, the Seafood Bas­ket et al has some nos­tal­gic appeal until you take the first bite of faux squid and over­sauced coleslaw — piss off like Cobb & Co and relin­quish your excep­tion­al real estate.

Offbeat Originals — Left Bank

What they have going for them: Tofu Burg­ers that defy belief; even non-veg­e­tar­i­ans bypass the meati­er offer­ings in order to get the soy/mayo/chili com­bo stick­y­ing up their fin­gers. Also gets points for orig­i­nal­ly open­ing as a kitschy ’70s art­glass nos­tal­gia shoppe, then con­vert­ing to a cafe when their kitchena­lia did­n’t sell so well. Milk­shakes come in purple/orange giraffed ‘Longest drink in town’ cups, space­man cig­gies line the counter and Gen X‑ers line up in their hordes.
What they need to change: The sub-stan­dard seat­ing; half of the chairs fall over at the least provo­ca­tion (like sit­ting down on them, for exam­ple). Some of the staff can be a bit ‘vague’, but when you’re get­ting the best burg­er in town for $6 who’s com­plain­ing? Upgrade the seats and I’ll get my shake ‘have here’ thanks!

The Bach — Island Bay

What they have going for them: Stun­ning views out over Cook Strait, a nice fire­place, and some (some­times) decent art on the walls.
What they need to change: Their cof­fee mak­ing. The out­side seats in front are good, but imag­ine how nice it’d be on a sun­ny and still day (yes, we do have them) if they could throw a few seats and tables over the road a la Choco­late Fish. Also, their ser­vice leaves a lot to be desired at times.

Electric Avenue

What they have going for them:
An osten­si­bly ’80s-themed bar in the heart of the entertainment/debauchery quar­ter; split lev­els, upstairs/downstairs bars and a bal­cony over­look­ing one of the pri­ma­ry “action” inter­sec­tions in town. Moody light­ing. A decent-sized dance­floor. A cock­tail list. A DJ play­ing a hand-picked selec­tion of ’80s music.
What they need to change: See, it all sounds so good on paper, does­n’t it? But it’s all just so wrong. For a start the DJ needs a cou­ple of decks and a mix­er and some 12“s, rather than play­ing mp3s off of a com­put­er. He also needs to stop leer­ing down from his booth like a retard­ed Sil­ver­back. In fact they could send him back to doing wed­dings and 21sts at sur­bur­ban com­mu­ni­ty halls and RSAs and hire some­one with a clue. Then there’s the actu­al music — instead of a sub­lime selec­tion of lithe post-punk, elec­tro and new wave inter­spersed with the occa­sion­al top-40 hit, they’ve lazi­ly opt­ed for a playlist which might as well just be a juke­box play­ing Time Life’s 2CD Eight­ies Music com­pi­la­tion vols 1 through 3. On repeat. Oh, and the bar staff need to drop the atti­tude a lit­tle bit.