In the corner office of our won­der­ful Ivory Tower (lit­er­ally now, thanks Noizy for shelling out for that rebuild) we look down upon the seeth­ing popu­lace of Wel­ling­ton that we love so dear and think to ourselves: if only  they were as per­fect as we are. At which point it’s time for our 11am mas­sage and man­i­cure.

This time gave us the chance to con­struct a short list of estab­lish­ments around Wel­ling­ton that could be bet­ter if only they changed some things.

The Port Cafe

What they have going for them: Fant­ast­ic day­time sun, great city views, really good fish & chips, and a BYO license.
What they need to change: The decor! Plain white walls and con­crete floors alone do not add up to styl­ish min­im­al­ism: that requires eleg­ant pro­por­tions and exquis­ite detail­ing, where­as this place just looks cheap and unfin­ished. The chairs were salvaged from the bar­gain bin at Ware­house Sta­tion­ery, and the only attempts at actu­al design (mod­el ships and some blue down­lights) make it look taw­dry and twee. Either get in a prop­er interi­or design­er or drop the prices and be a plain old chip­pie.

The Green Room

What they have going for them: A nice little bar on the water­front. In sum­mer it gets a fair share of the after­noon sun.
What they need to change: The music. Pos­sibly the worst music in all of Wel­ling­ton’s bars, and that’s quite an achieve­ment. A mix of Beach Boys, Eric Clapton and the Eagles gives this bar an exquis­ite tack­i­ness it does­n’t need nor really deserve. They could also afford to knock down the prices on some of their drinks.

The Establishment

What they have going for them: Great loc­a­tion, heaps of space and dif­fer­ent areas for dif­fer­ent moods, lots of sun until late, espe­cially on their bal­cony, tasty fries, $3 pints, simple but nice decor.
What they need to change: their ambi­tion to be a stu­dent bar. Drop the theme nights, raise the price of the pints, and get rid of the ’80s stand­ard music. Oh, and reserve us a table on the bal­cony for all of sum­mer.

The Fisherman’s Table – O Bay and Paekakariki

What they have going for them: Loc­a­tion, loc­a­tion, loc­a­tion. Nice place to drink Pimms or G&T in the sun.
What they need to change: Late ’80s/early ’90s menu, the Sea­food Bas­ket et al has some nos­tal­gic appeal until you take the first bite of faux squid and over­sauced coleslaw – piss off like Cobb & Co and relin­quish your excep­tion­al real estate.

Offbeat Originals – Left Bank

What they have going for them: Tofu Bur­gers that defy belief; even non-veget­ari­ans bypass the meat­i­er offer­ings in order to get the soy/mayo/chili combo stick­y­ing up their fin­gers. Also gets points for ori­gin­ally open­ing as a kitschy ’70s art­glass nos­tal­gia shoppe, then con­vert­ing to a cafe when their kit­chenalia did­n’t sell so well. Milk­shakes come in purple/orange gir­affed ‘Longest drink in town’ cups, space­man cig­gies line the counter and Gen X‑ers line up in their hordes.
What they need to change: The sub-stand­ard seat­ing; half of the chairs fall over at the least pro­voca­tion (like sit­ting down on them, for example). Some of the staff can be a bit ‘vague’, but when you’re get­ting the best bur­ger in town for $6 who’s com­plain­ing? Upgrade the seats and I’ll get my shake ‘have here’ thanks!

The Bach – Island Bay

What they have going for them: Stun­ning views out over Cook Strait, a nice fire­place, and some (some­times) decent art on the walls.
What they need to change: Their cof­fee mak­ing. The out­side seats in front are good, but ima­gine how nice it’d be on a sunny and still day (yes, we do have them) if they could throw a few seats and tables over the road a la Chocol­ate Fish. Also, their ser­vice leaves a lot to be desired at times.

Electric Avenue

What they have going for them:
An ostens­ibly ’80s-themed bar in the heart of the entertainment/debauchery quarter; split levels, upstairs/downstairs bars and a bal­cony over­look­ing one of the primary “action” inter­sec­tions in town. Moody light­ing. A decent-sized dance­floor. A cock­tail list. A DJ play­ing a hand-picked selec­tion of ’80s music.
What they need to change: See, it all sounds so good on paper, does­n’t it? But it’s all just so wrong. For a start the DJ needs a couple of decks and a mix­er and some 12“s, rather than play­ing mp3s off of a com­puter. He also needs to stop leer­ing down from his booth like a retarded Sil­ver­back. In fact they could send him back to doing wed­dings and 21sts at sur­burb­an com­munity halls and RSAs and hire someone with a clue. Then there’s the actu­al music – instead of a sub­lime selec­tion of lithe post-punk, elec­tro and new wave inter­spersed with the occa­sion­al top-40 hit, they’ve lazily opted for a playl­ist which might as well just be a juke­box play­ing Time Life’s 2CD Eighties Music com­pil­a­tion vols 1 through 3. On repeat. Oh, and the bar staff need to drop the atti­tude a little bit.