Numero Uno? Numero no no!
Posted by Joanna on Wednesday, 11 Jul 2007
(Issue two is out now, but I have been slow. All judgments below are based on the first issue. I'm not buying another one to see if it's improved.)
When I saw the first issue of Uno on the shelves at the supermarket, I was hoping it would be the Wellington equivalent of Metro - on a good day, not all "Why your kids' school will give you cancer and never let them buy a house" Listeneresque. But it's not. It's really, really not. Instead it turns out that Uno is every bit as advertising-copy driven as the Wellington Guide - without the advantage of at least being Welly exclusive. I suppose I should have known better give that Wellington's official villain of 2006 is on the cover. After the jump, more reasons not to waste $9.95.
- The first line of the magazine is "Uno is unashamedly local", and yet it only has 'What's On' pages for Hamilton and Tauranga - the two cities that the magazine started out in. In fact, some contact numbers for allegedly Wellington businesses start with an (07) as well.
- While not everyone is as anti-Kerry as the Wellingtonista generally are, the cover puff piece entitled "wellington's first citizen" [sic] doesn't even give a hint of a suggestion that there might be anything controversial about her.
- There are no capital letters in the article's titles. Who's in charge around here - a journalist or a graphic designer?
- There's an article on Brazilian waxing, courtesy of a salon called Waxnlaser. I'm not entirely sure how that fits in with the 'Lifestyle' theme, but I guess a case could be made for it. But it's most definitely straight advertorial again, with half a page of text and half a page of ad.
- One of the few profiles in it that actually relate to Wellington is about phil&teds [sic] most excellent buggy company. Not to nitpick or anything, but the when the Wellingtonista starts producing a magazine, there's no way that we're going to profile any company that deliberately leaves out an apostrophe like that. That'd be as bad as big-upping a company that uses comic sans. Oh, and more annoyingly, the article talks about how hilarious the company's answering system is, with its fake Indian accent. Ahhh racism, that's sooo Wellington lifestyle!
- Actually, the proof-reading throughout the magazine needs to be tightened up and a consistent style guide should be applied (and oh yes, I can hear the kettle calling me black right now).
- The article called 'Juice!' is about the programmer of Sky's music channels. How does this relate to Wellington? Oh yes, Wellington is his hometown. Oh, and apparently, according to the opening paragraph, J2 "has become a part of the social fabric of Wellington". Really? Really? Silly me for thinking that it was Fat Freddy's we heard ubiquitously.
- While "UNO. does not pretend to be a national magazine, nor a news magazine.", their website also declares "It is not an advertising catalogue!" - but writing rarely gets much puffier than the piece on the new Vodafone shop on Willis St.
- Nice work picking Hank Cubitt to write about men's fashion - he's a Wellington icon and he knows what he's talking about.
- Likewise, it was a good idea to get the food recipes from a Wellington recipe - Soi in this instance.
- The write-up on Pinot Noir 2007 was good, and enough to make me wish I'd been there!
- Chris Laidlaw's 'Civic Jihad' Wellington perspective piece - I'm not sure if this is a column or just a feature - at least touches on a controversy by calling the proposed Hilton Hotel a 'spectre' that would "do justice to a Marx brothers movie". Tom no doubt would have something to say about that, but at least it's a piece that could get someone talking.
There's plenty more hilarity on that page alone:
"UNO. readers are proud Wellingtonians. They hold the city and all its achievements close to their hearts. They are intelligent, cultu, broad-minded, and most of all open to all the facets of life that surround them."
"Cultu"?! Is that a misprint for Cthulu? Yes, UNO. readers all worship the Great Old Ones.
"You can find them partaking in the city’s fantastic cafe’s and eateries, supporting the various festivals that enliven the town, and enjoying the natural splendour that is Wellington."
You can also find then grimacing at misplaced apostrophes. Or did the acute fall off the e?
"They are interested in supporting the vibrant city in which they live in whether it be fi nancially, culturally, or creatively. They take pride in their homes, their belongings, and their community, and want to make sure they are surrounded by the best. Overall, they are discerning, and expect nothing less than highquality professional journalism which refl ects their city, presented in a creative and thought-provoking publication."
They are interested in why a "highquality" publication seems to add and delete spaces at random, and take pride in not using tortured expressions like "city in which they live in".
Uno Cultu... make a good name for a cinema villain. Move over Keyser Soze, Uno Cultu is here.
But no way was I buying or even looking in anything with a picture of Kerry P on the cover. FFS, can we have a mayor who avoids cheezy photo ops in future please? I blame Blumsky, where there was a camera, Blumsky was in front of it pulling faces.
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