Wellington has one daily newspaper, and that newspaper has one restaurant critic, who certainly has his own… distinctive style. The Fly has decided that David Burton needs some accountability. We’re giving him his own series.

The review from March 14 

David Burton is more worldly than you: 5/5

“Veni Vidi Vici may easily roll off the tongue for native speakers of Latin, but in Anno Domini 2014 those are getting hard to find. So to avoid tongue twisting potential Kiwi diners, I’ll henceforth refer to the place as VVV.”

So kind, so considerate.

“Spag bol is thought to account for one in four home-cooked Kiwi meals, yet few of us think to add minced pork to the beef, which transforms the sauce completely.”

[Citation needed]. We agree that pork makes sauce gooder, but Mr Burton needs to give more credit to the spag bollers of New Zealand.

“When I made a special request that the prosciutto be added raw to my pizza only after it came out of the oven…” 
And while you’re at it, I’d like to make a special request that you put the cheese on TOP of the crust rather than underneath it.

Don’t you know who I am? 3/5

“Ever the smooth operator, he managed to up-sell me from the primitivo to the hideously more expensive valpolicella by promising me it was three steps better – then pouring me a taste to prove it so …”

We love it when David gets all uppity about not getting recognised, but it’s also entertaining when he is. (Yes yes, a really good server would do this for anyone, not just easily recognisable critics)

David Burton uses a lot of fancy talk: 3.5/5

“Unfortunately the interpretation has rendered the love goddess’s torso ever more sinuously vine-like and knotty; sadder still is the yellowy, jaundiced pallor with which her amply exposed skin is now cast.”

I’m just glad that’s a description of the art and not the waitress.

Proportion of Burton to actual food talk: 2/5

Although there was a lot of chitchat before we got to the actual food, it was nice to know a little background on the restaurant.

Accuracy of review: ?/5

The fly clearly needs to get out more.