ph33r my photoshop skillsNot that long ago, the Lon­don Time Out ran a fea­ture on pir­ates in Lon­don to cel­eb­rate the release of Pir­ates of the Carib­bean 2. Way to be hip, Time Out. Every­one who’s any­one knows that the actu­al most import­ant movie this year is Snakes on Plane – or as some like to call it “Mother­fuck­ing snakes on a mother­fuck­ing plane”. So, in trib­ute to this movie that opens on Thursday, the Wel­ling­tonista is proud to present this very spe­cial activ­ity guide to recre­at­ing snakes on a plane in Wel­ling­ton:

Snakes
An obvi­ous place to start look­ing for snakes would be the Wel­ling­ton Zoo. But a look at their FAQ turns up this tid­bit:
“Laws set by the Min­istry of Agri­cul­ture and Forests (MAF) and the Depart­ment of Con­ser­va­tion (DOC) state that snakes can­not be impor­ted in to New Zea­l­and.”

Well that’s all very good and well, MAF, but what about the snakes that make it over here on the planes? Where are they going to go huh?

The Wel­ling­ton zoo does have a rep­tile col­lec­tion, so maybe you could get your cold-blooded fix there, since you’re not going to be see­ing the tuatara all that often any­more oth­er­wise.

So since there are no real snakes avail­able in New Zea­l­and (appar­ently!), a trip to the Met Shop on Swan Lane off Cuba St might be in order. Surely there will be toy snakes to be found here. Oth­er­wise a trip to any dairy or super­mar­ket should turn up some sour snakes – and also some jet planes.

Planes

Now that you have your snakes, it’s time to go and find a plane. You have three options here. The first is the most logic­al – you head to the air­port. Park at the end of the run­way out by Moa Point, climb onto your car bon­net ala Wayne’s World, and wait for a plane to come in. Hold up your snake in front of your eyes, and there you have it. Snakes on a Plane. It lives up to the hype, right?

Or head to a toy shop, or per­haps a mod­el store and buy your­self a little plane. Put your snake on the plane. You are now a part of a cul­tur­al phe­nomen­on.

Finally, if all else fails, get fish cakes with snake beans takeout from Chow and head out of town to the Horowhen­ua Plains. Aren’t you punny?